Prepping for the Apocalypse

There you are again, Internet.  There you are all thinking that you're safe from my brain because it's been a few days since last I allowed my fingers unfettered access to a keyboard (pro-tip: I can't keep this whole supersecret thing up if my wife and/or hilarious cast of housemates sees my typing.  Can I?  Nope.  No I cannot.  Other things my fingers should not have unfettered access to: Cookies.  Frying pans.  Women. Remote control cars.  Literally anything. Ever.) but here I am.  Back, as they say, and better than ever.

So...it may not surprise you to find out that I have sometimes given thought to the whole end of the world thing.  I mean, eventually it is going to happen.  That's a scientific fact.  Things break.  Entropy increases.  Centers cannot hold and whatnot.  Somewhat less scientific is the thought as to whether or not it will happen during our lifetimes, but that's a debate for well-qualified, intelligent people in lab coats and crackpot internet conspiracy theorists screaming about Mayans to have (Full disclosure - I am neither of these things).

Now - a lot of people will tell you that it's going to be zombies or nuclear fallout or some mysterious satellite coming out of the sky to save its chosen people and leave the rest of us with an EMP-blanketed hellscape where nothing more complex than a wristwatch functions properly.  These people like to think that these are the most horrible ways the world could collapse and they have amazingly detailed plans on how to survive when they come.  The fact is, though, that these examples are pretty simple to survive.  Zombies? Walk briskly away.  Wait for troops.  Win.  Nuclear war?  Be near something awesome when it hits.  Gain superpowers.  Rule over irradiated wasteland like a god.  EMP?  Well, that one's a little harder.  Mostly find someone bigger to protect you and hope they don't bugger you all that often.  A little buggery is to be expected in that instance, just try to grin and bear it.

The thing of the matter, though, is this.  What about things that don't actually "end the world"  but just sort of mess with it enough to destroy society?  Or at least society as we know it?  These are the thoughts that keep me up at night, curled up with my sweet stuffed manatee (a stuffed animal, not an actual manatee that I had a taxidermist handle.  That would just be weird.  Also, my wife made me sell it at a tag sale [tag sales is what we call garage/rubbish/yard sales where I come from]) as my mind falls in on itself knowing that some day, the horror is going to come to pass.  It's coming and I may be the only one in a position to stop it.

I'm of course speaking of the invasion of British RobotSoldiers (tm).

I know what some of you are thinking and that's "Obviously, Markatoa is off his meds today."  Well, the jokes on you, suckers.  I've been off my meds for years and years.  The remainder of you, no doubt, are wondering how on earth this came to be a fear that I really have.  Two words, buckos and buckettes.  Redependence Day.  

You see, one day I had this thought.  A premonition, if you will, and it terrified me almost as much as Thomas the Tank Engine (that bastard!).  You see, other than that whole Declaration of Independence thing, what was the real kickoff of the "Let's be our own country now" movement?  Well, the Boston Tea Party, of course.  Symbolically smashing the oppressive beverages of our oppressive oppressors.  (I know.  That sentence was almost the worst thing ever, but once I started I just couldn't stop myself.).  Well, I guess literally smashing the beverages and more symbolically smashing the oppressors.  You get the idea.

So, obviously, since that was the start of America it would only make sense for it to be the End of America as well.  I have reason to believe that the British have been secretly collecting bits of those broken barrels and crates ever since 1773.  When they have them all, the Royal Navy is going to sail right up into Boston Harbor on July 5th.  The QueenBot will walk onto our shores, unload the tea and say warmly "Good Show, America.  I hope you enjoyed your run of it.  Welcome to your Redependence Day!" and then cackle maniacally.  Because you see, she undid the Independence by de-smashing the crates.

Why robots, though?  You find yourself asking these types of questions sometimes.  I know that you do.  Well, that's easy.  Have you looked at the population of our two nations lately?  We practically have more people in our Army than the United Kingdom has in its entire country.  To subjugate us, the would need superior soldiers who never tire.  Soldiers all but impossible to kill.  Robrits (tm).

How do you fight something like that?  You can't, really.  So after our grand experiment in Americanism we just go back to being one of the colonies.  Then even Canada gets to make fun of us.  They'll be all like "shoulda stayed on the winning team, chaps.  Maybe we'll just help ourselves to the West Coast Now."  

I mean, mind you, eventually the whole zombies or space lasers thing might happen afterward and make it a moot point, but I would really rather not have to eat crumpets until then.  Or learn the rules of cricket.  It's a silly game.  

To that end, I've gathered a crack team of computer scientists and people who once signed up for CodeAcademy but never quite finished the lessons to work on a virus that will only effect British computer systems.  Hopefully we'll have what it takes.  When the Queen comes calling, ironically we will be the ones to rock her.

Enjoy your New Nightmares, people of the internet.  Enjoy them nice and hard.