The Neverending Story is a Trainride through my Nightmares

Yeah, Internet, you read that sentence correctly.  Yes, I know it's a beloved children's classic that is supposed to teach you the power of...I don't know, love?  Stick-to-it-iveness?  Teamwork?  Who the hell cares what it's trying to be preachy about?  Not me, because every damn scene in that film is designed to take a child's soul, tear it into a million pieces, light those pieces on chemical-fueled fire and then poop on them to smother the oxygen.

And I know what you're about to say - "Markatoa, in the more civilized portions of the world we pee on things to put out the fires."  Well, you're wrong.  There's nothing civilized about the Neverending story.  It's an insane world of barbarians at the gate, constantly straining to get into the Rome of your heart and sack the hell out of that shit.  That's right - Neverending Story is the Visigoths of the children's movie world.

Falcor hates your soul.  

How can I say these things and actually mean them?  That's simple.  Two reasons, really.  We'll tackle the first one first.  Fact number one - the movie is a lie.  It ends.  It ends after like 102 minutes, which is hardly "never".  It's not even long enough that the ability to measure its length becomes meaningless.  Nope, a simple one hour and forty two minutes, then nothing.

Now, I've heard apologists say that while the "movie" ends, the story that it represents is a truly cyclical tale of personal growth and as such it can never be said to begin or end (it's so deep) and that just this one tiny snapshot is shown.  Because it only effects the one person and the story is really happening inside all of us.  Or some other bullcrap.  And you know what, hippy?  That sounds all nice and placating but at the end of the day you're just making crap up to feel better about the fact that some director pulled the wool over your eyes and you'll never get that time back.

The second, and far more disturbing reason, is that the whole goddamned movie, and I mean the whole thing, is predicated on and pretty much solely about dongs and children.  It's a film that exists just to put kids and penises together in a way that won't get those responsible incarcerated for the rest of their lives.

Seriously, go to a park right now (do not do this).  One that has children playing in it (seriously, don't do what I'm about to say.  It's a bad idea).  And just in a conversational, somewhat jolly tone say "Would anyone like to ride my furry luck dragon?" (disclaimer - if you did not listen to my first two attempts to tell you not to do this, you will be beaten and pepper sprayed).  Go ahead and try it.  I dare you.  You'll end up in jail being rogered by a lifer sooner than you can say "I meant that literally."

And don't even get my started on that oddly phallic turtle thing.  The one that just sprays its manjuice all over unsuspecting kids?  You know the one.  Sure, they call it a "sneeze" in the script.  That's how they got it past the censors.  But you show a dick shaped thing spraying a sticky white substance on anyone in any other movie and you're getting an X rating.

Who thought any of this was a good idea, and to what purpose?  Not that author of the book who asked that his name be removed from the credits.  Is it some sort of secret mid-80's code to the children of the world that some day they're just going to have to grin and bear it while the dongs of the world grease them up and use them?  Just don't worry about it, it happens to everyone eventually because the whole world exists to do nothing other than eff you?  Possibly in the "a"?

Don't get me wrong, there's a valuable life lesson there to the my wives of the world. Just get through it, because in the end everything in this seemingly neverending marriage is about my privates.

I suppose in the spirit of full disclosure I should mention that I haven't watched this movie in like 24 years and it's ever so slightly possible that my memories are a little fuzzy and jaded.  But probably not.