Governments of the world, prepare your watchlists!

That's right, ladies and gentlemen - Markatoa is back and with far less of those namby-pamby "feelings" or self-reflections that seem to be all the rage these days.  Self reflection is the exclusive purview of high quality hotels wherein the champagne is cold and the ceilings are made of mirrors from here on out.  (That's not entirely true - sometimes also the walls are mirrored.  Also, thinking is often pretty fun.  But let's not let facts get in the way of what we've got going on here, shall we?)

I spent most of this morning engaged in activity that I can only assume will end up having my employers internet provider flag us as possible terrorist threats and lead to me being taken away in the night.  What did I do, you ask?  Watch Al-Jezeera while streaming video of us burning the flag?  No.  I don't speak Arabic and well that other part is just a little declasse.  Especially when not used as a legitimate form of peaceful protest/resistance.  But especially especially in my work office.  Because people would notice, and then I would be the one fired.  Instead of the flag.  It was...an admittedly bad joke.

America disapproves of crappy humor.

Annnyway, it is neither of the above things that will have the FBI watching me like I was this weeks new episode of Friends circa 1995.  Nope.  It's the fact that I sat down at my desk today and the first thing I did was start looking up things about how to create home made smoke bombs and (very minor.  tiny, even) explosives.  I saw my google search history and realized that this is what psychos and really bad terrorists and people in movies do.  (The people in movies do it so that later the "hero" who is "computer savvy" can do two and a half seconds of "detective work" to out the bad guy.  In addition to which, air quotes.)

In my defense, I was looking for (and found) a relatively cheap and non-toxic way to produce practical smoke effects.  Why?  Because of reasons, that's why.  And also Halloween, I suppose.  But mostly reasons.  It felt like it would be a fun thing to learn how to do and that way, if successful I can always throw the smoke grenade at my feet and vanish into the night like a surly, fat, nearing middle age ninja.  Which is notoriously the most dangerous type of ninja.  People always expect svelte assassins who look like they have a commitment to the gym, or at least not needing a breather after eating a few Cheetohs.  Which is awesome for me, because they're far less on their guard when they see the jolly, jowly dude just creeping up on them with a "shucks, ya' got me" look.  They're more likely to think I'm simple.  Or playing an obscure game of hide and seek the rules of which remain obfuscated to the casual player.

Then...BAM...fat ninja killed.

I have realized that talking about how I would like to ninja-murder people and use my smoke bombs to escape is not making this sound more innocent.  I'm just going to quit here, while I'm ahead.  Mostly ahead, anyway.  My point being, if I suddenly disappear and cease all of the communications ever - I'm in a lightless cell, probably being waterboarded.

On the plus side, if that doesn't happen...homemade chemistry experiment smoke.  I'll report on my success/failure and my starring role in the United States Federal Penitentiary System depending on what happens next.  Stay classy, Internet.